Just Depressional
by KyteAura
Summary: Her raven-hair flowed as she sat on top of a building wrapped up with unwanted thoughts of her past, what she wish was her present and a hopeful future. Meiling fic!


Kyte: *Sighs sadly*  
Tenshi: Are you okay?  
Kyte: Depression has come over me again.  
  
  
  
  
  
I was born...  
What was I born for?  
Just for the sake of living?  
No, there must be more  
Maybe to love another,  
But my heart had already belonged  
Before it was shattered  
Now what? Is this the end?  
Is this the concept everyone seems to thrive about?  
'Life sucks and then we die'?  
Leaving nothing in between?  
Questions that enters my mind  
Pushing it away, but it always haunts  
For one will always wonder  
The reasons why was one born...  
  
  
  
  
  
Above a constructed building a girl looked down with her fiery eyes. She watched as figure after figure hurried away to warmth. Her knees were bent and her raven hair was flying as the icy wind blew against her roughly. She sighed with a great depression and closed her eyes to block the crowd below. When her sight was fully closed memories rushed to her like thundering lights. All the sweet and bitter years of her life passed by like a black and white movie. A tragic kind of movie that people would cry over instantly.  
  
All through her childhood age she had wanted just two things. One was to learn how to fight and become the best martial artist in the world. The other, of course as any girl would want, was to get married. However what was different about this little girl's childhood was she already knew whom she wanted to marry at an age of a toddler. Alas both of her hopes had come to a twisting end once she cried that one night to the girl with the voice of an angel, Tomoyo Daidouji. The night she found out that her crush loved another. Even if it was only two things she had always hoped for, she knew that her goal would never be fulfilled.  
  
The most frustrating part of this whole mascara is that she cannot take blame upon anyone. Meiling tried as much as she could to hate the one that took her cousin away, Sakura Kinomoto, but to find that she could not. Even if she was raged with jealously she cannot hate someone whom is too innocent for her own good. She can't blame Syaoran for loving another, even though she at least deserved a chance. Who else would she try to blame? Clow Reed? For making the cards, that made Sakura mistress? That didn't work out very well for he is already gone in this lifetime. Take blame on a man whom was passed on so many decades ago would be a dishonor and rather rude of a younger lady as herself.  
  
'Why must life be like this for me? My world once known as my training to be the best fighter and have the one I loved so much shattered for with Sakura's power and the kindness of her innocent heart I know that my fighting skills and jealous condition will never win anyone over. If only Syaoran would have let me find that bird myself when it flew away. Maybe I would have been better off when Syaoran didn't do this favor for me and gotten sick from looking for the bird, but I know it was inevitable. Like everyone in this Card capturing world 'inevitable' is always the word.'  
  
This depression of hers was nothing new. Each night she would go out into the December air and watch people below her from any building. In some ways she find it more superior and more peaceful. Sure it was lively down there with so many people crowding around, but what she wanted was solitude, just a place to be alone.  
  
Getting tried of looking at the dim lights down where some families were finishing their meal, Meiling stood up from the kneeing position. 'I just wonder what I am here for. I know I live for a reason, but it is so hard to find out what it is. Sakura lives to be The Mistress of the cards, Syaoran lives to be the leader of the Li Clan, Tomoyo lives for singing. I use to think I was just here for marrying someone and having fun, but now this image is like a big gigantic blur. Is my life here to keep the people around me happy? As the results of their happiness something has to happen that is horrid to me? So many questions unanswered and I know even at this time and age I have a long way to go.'  
  
"Meiling." Someone called out from below the building. Her eyes traveled to the bottom of the building and found her three friends looking up at her in horror.   
  
"What do you think you are doing up there?" Syaoran asked as he started to use his powers to level himself to where his cousin stood. "It is getting rather late." He said as he stood next to her and looked down where the two girls stood. It was a rather tall building Meiling chose that night.  
  
"I am alright. I was just thinking about some things." Meiling said as she smiled for him. He gave her a glaring look as if he thought otherwise. "Hey at least I'm not up here to kill myself!" She claimed as she started to walk around the perimeter of the building.  
  
It was not everyday that Meiling would get mad at her cousin for caring, but she needed so much time to think and even after a few hours each night it was not enough. Every question that fills her mind makes her more vulnerable and distant. Confusion is always with her and she hated every feeling of it. At times she wanted to cry other times she jokes and laughs at them. It seemed to her that everything in her life seemed so unreal, like if she was to pinch herself she would wake up from this depression, this life that seems to be so dull and fruitless.   
  
It wasn't so bad when her mind was a way from this sad part of her heart, but when she is alone it would hit her like a ton of bricks that she would start to cry without knowing. Even though the depression was up and running she could not help, but go out of the apartment and think about everything that she have seen, heard, touched, smelled and felt. Always being with her friends seemed like a show she was putting on. Like it wasn't really her, but the 'her' she wants people to believe she is.  
  
"You weren't going to jump from this building?" Asked the astonished Xiao Lang. He was worried about her when she had not shown back at the apartment like usual and when he sensed for her aura it was too much for him to handle. All those emotions he felt swirling around made him feel like she was going to do something like end her dear life. Maybe it was this overly protectiveness he has for this crazy cousin of his, but for what it was worth it made him glad they were friends.  
  
She shook her head confirming negative. "I may be depressive, but don't worry. I am not willing to give up my own life just yet. Not until I have found out what I am living for. Unless it is living for death, but maybe there is something in between death and me. The point is I am not going to commit myself of a sin and don't make me get ideas of actually doing it."  
  
"I suppose I should have more faith in you. For you are one of the strongest person I know and the rest of the world seems to know it too." Syaoran said before he descended back down to where the two ladies were waiting for him. The male of the group told them that he wanted to deal with the mess he has caused, but just for the moments of talking to Meiling he grasped the conclusion that she would not end her life because of him.  
  
Once the three were out of sight Meiling took a deep breath of the cold air and exhaled slowly. 'I can make though a few more tough times. I know there is something I am suppose to do out there before I die and I will be waiting until that day comes.' With that thought some of the confusion that was once attacking her mind vanished and she felt a new hope.  
  
Maybe it was really just one thing she wanted in life. Maybe it wasn't just the little things like battling and wanting a person to want you. Maybe like a few other people in this world, she wanted her destiny. Not just parts of it, but also every part there is to get there. It could be one day she would save human lives, plants, and animals or even just be someone who protests in something like women rights. In truth this 'peace' she might be looking for could be to find someone that loves her as much as she loves that person.  
  
As she looked up at the peaceful sky, the twinkling stars, and the glowing light of the round moon, she knew one thing that is most certain. She won't die tonight and she would not die until her goal is fulfilled. For her stubbornness would never live it down if she gives up after years of pain she had already felt. Meiling was ready for more dark times "...But it will be worth while." She whispered to the night.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Conclusion.   
The End.   
Owari.  
Ja Ne.  
  
  
  
  
Kyte: It seems I have repeated a few things...I think. I was just really depressed and to me, this fic seems more of my view in life. I would love to die any day, but after living years of hell I am not going to stop until something good happens. So anyone willing to review my hideous work?  
  
My reason for doing a Meiling fic is because it seems she was perfect for the part. Stubborn not die even if she had a lot of issues to deal with. Sure I could have done an E+T angst, but how unoriginal! Sakura angst is really out of the question. I am getting sick of her! Although just don't expect me to type up a MeiLi anytime soon!  
  
P.S: I did the poem. I hope it was better than all my crappy poems that I wrote, since someone said I should not type poetry ever again. Tell me what you think about the poem when you review. 


End file.
